What to Say

Someone you know is going through something, and you have typed and deleted the same message four times. Pick what happened. Get words that sound like a person, and the short list of things not to say.

A writing aid, not advice. Live Life Happy is not a medical or mental health provider. Nothing on this page is medical, psychological or therapeutic advice, diagnosis or treatment, and it cannot know your situation or theirs. If you or the person you are helping needs real support, please speak to a doctor, a licensed therapist, or a crisis line. The numbers are here. Your use of this site is subject to our Terms.

1 What happened?
2 Who are they to you?
3 How are you sending it?

Check the message you already wrote

Paste your draft. This flags the specific phrases that grieving, ill and laid-off people most often name as the ones that hurt, and says why. It runs entirely in your browser. Your message is never sent to us, never seen by anyone, and never stored.

The seven things not to say

These come up again and again, across grief, illness, job loss and divorce. Every one of them is well meant. That is exactly why they keep getting said.

“At least…”

Almost anything that follows “at least” makes the other person’s loss smaller than it is. It is the phrase people quote back years later.

Instead: Stop after “I’m so sorry.” You do not need the second half of the sentence.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Often there is no reason, and being handed one reads as an instruction to stop being sad. It appears on the Psychological First Aid list of things not to say.

Instead: “This is so unfair. I’m sorry.”

“Let me know if you need anything.”

It sounds generous, and it quietly hands them a job. People in the middle of something cannot work out what they need, so they never ask, and then nobody comes.

Instead: Name one thing and a day. “I’m bringing dinner Tuesday at 6.”

“They’re in a better place.”

Unless you know they hold that belief, it lands as “you shouldn’t miss them.” To the person grieving, the better place was here.

Instead: “I know how much you love her.” Present tense. Love does not stop.

“Stay strong.”

It hands a frightened person a performance to put on for you, so they hide the part where they are terrified.

Instead: “You don’t have to be brave with me.”

“I know how you feel.”

Even with a similar loss, theirs is not yours, and the conversation quietly becomes about you.

Instead: “I can’t imagine. I’m here.”

“They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

It adds guilt on top of grief. Now they feel they are letting the person down by missing them.

Instead: “Of course you’re sad. You loved him.”

If you take one thing from this page: the most resented sentence is not a cruel one. It is “let me know if you need anything.” It sounds generous and it quietly makes the person in crisis do the work. Decide something. Name a day. Turn up.

All 26 situations

Every situation, with what to say, what to offer, and what to avoid. Open any one of them.

Grief and loss

Lost a parentLosing a mother or father, at any age.

What to say to someone who lost a parent

Say the parent's name. Use present tense about love: "I know how much you love her." People remember that one for years.

Start with
  • I'm so sorry about your mom. I know how much you love her.
  • I heard about your dad. I'm so sorry.
  • This is a huge loss. I'm so sorry it happened.
  • I don't have the right words. I'm just really sorry.
  • I'm so sorry for your enormous loss.
  • I've been thinking about you all day.
Take the pressure off
  • You don't have to reply to this.
  • I'm here. I'm not going anywhere.
  • No need to write back. Just thinking of you.
  • I'll keep texting. Ignore me whenever you need to.
  • I'm around all week if you want company or quiet.
Open a door
  • Tell me about her when you're ready.
  • What was he like?
  • I'd love to hear your favourite story about her sometime.
  • Say his name to me any time you want to.
Offer something real
  • I'm bringing dinner Tuesday at 6. I'll leave it at the door if that's easier.
  • I'm free Saturday to help with phone calls or paperwork.
  • Can I take the kids for a few hours Thursday?
  • I'm at the shop Friday morning. What can I add to my list?
  • I'll do your lawn this weekend. You don't need to be home.
Later on
  • Thinking of you today.
  • It's been a few months. That's still so new. How are you today?
  • I remembered something about your dad today and it made me smile.
  • I know what this week is. I'm thinking of you.
Don’t say these
At least she lived a long life.
Any sentence that starts with "at least" tells someone their loss is smaller than it is.
She's in a better place.
Unless you know they believe that, it lands as "you shouldn't be sad." The better place was here, with them.
Everything happens for a reason.
There is no reason that makes this okay. This is the phrase grieving people name most often as the one that hurt.
Let me know if you need anything.
It sounds kind, but it hands them a job. They don't know what they need. Name one thing and a day.
I know how you feel.
Even if you lost a parent too, this loss is not yours. Try "I can't imagine" instead.
She wouldn't want you to be sad.
This adds guilt on top of grief. Now they feel bad for feeling bad.
How did it happen?
Asking for the story first makes it about your curiosity. Wait until they offer it.

Open this in the tool →

Lost a spouse or partnerWidows and widowers, and unmarried partners, who often get overlooked.

What to say to someone who lost their husband, wife or partner

If they weren't married, say the partner's name and treat the loss as equal. Unmarried partners are routinely left out of sympathy and it stings.

Start with
  • I'm so sorry about David. I loved him too.
  • This is such a huge loss. I'm so sorry.
  • I keep thinking about you both. I'm so sorry.
  • There's nothing I can say that helps. I'm here anyway.
  • I'm so sorry. I know what he meant to you.
Take the pressure off
  • No reply needed. Just checking in.
  • I'm here for the long haul, not just this week.
  • You can call me at 2am. I mean that.
  • I'll keep showing up. Say the word if you want space.
Open a door
  • Tell me about him whenever you want.
  • I'd love to hear how you two met.
  • What do you miss most this week?
Offer something real
  • I'm coming Sunday afternoon to sit with you. No talking required.
  • I'll handle the thank-you cards. Just give me the list.
  • I'm bringing groceries Wednesday. Text me your brand of coffee.
  • Let me drive you to the appointment on the 14th.
Later on
  • Thinking of you on your anniversary.
  • Six months in. People stop asking around now. I'm still asking.
  • How are you today? Not in general. Just today.
Don’t say these
You're young, you'll find someone else.
People are not replaceable. This one comes up again and again as the phrase people never forgot.
At least you had good years together.
Good years make the loss bigger, not smaller.
He's not suffering any more.
That may be true and still not be a comfort. It skips over what they lost.
Everything happens for a reason.
There is no acceptable reason. Don't reach for one.
Let me know if you need anything.
Decide something and offer it with a date.
You need to start moving on.
Grief has no schedule. Nobody is behind.

Open this in the tool →

Lost a childThe hardest one. Say less, stay longer.

What to say to someone who lost a child

Use the child's name. Parents fear their child will be forgotten more than they fear you saying the wrong thing. Say the name and keep saying it.

Start with
  • I'm so sorry. I loved Sam.
  • There are no words for this. I'm so sorry.
  • I'm here and I'm not going to say anything clever.
  • I've been thinking about Ellie all week.
Take the pressure off
  • You don't have to reply. Ever.
  • I'm here today, and I'll be here in a year.
  • I'm not going to stop checking in.
Open a door
  • Tell me about her.
  • I'd love to see photos whenever you want to share them.
  • What was he into lately?
Offer something real
  • I'm dropping off dinner Monday. No need to answer the door.
  • I can take care of the school calls this week.
  • I'll come sit with you Thursday. We don't have to talk.
Later on
  • Thinking of Sam today. And of you.
  • I said her name out loud today and I wanted you to know.
  • I know what tomorrow is.
Don’t say these
You can have another.
A child is not replaceable. This is one of the most painful things a bereaved parent can hear.
At least you have your other kids.
Having other children does not make this child smaller.
God needed another angel.
This tells a parent their child was taken on purpose.
I don't know how you do it.
It puts them in the position of comforting you.
Everything happens for a reason.
Not this. Never this.
Time heals.
It doesn't, and being told it does makes people feel broken when it doesn't.

Open this in the tool →

Miscarriage or pregnancy lossA real loss that people routinely treat as a small one.

What to say to someone who had a miscarriage

Treat it as a death, because that is what it is to them. Never offer statistics. Never mention trying again unless they raise it first.

Start with
  • I'm so sorry. This is a real loss.
  • I'm so sorry you're going through this.
  • This is so unfair. I'm sorry.
  • I'm sad with you.
Take the pressure off
  • No reply needed. Just thinking of you.
  • I'm here whenever, and for as long as you want.
  • You don't have to be okay about this.
Open a door
  • Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather not?
  • Tell me how you're actually doing.
  • I'm here if you want to say his name.
Offer something real
  • I'm bringing dinner Thursday. Leave the door unlocked and I'll slip in.
  • I can cover for you at work this week. Nobody needs to know why.
  • Want me to come over Saturday and watch something rubbish?
Later on
  • Thinking of you today.
  • I know the due date is coming up. I'm thinking of you.
  • Mother's Day can be hard. Thinking of you.
Don’t say these
At least you know you can get pregnant.
Named over and over as the worst thing people hear. It turns a death into a test result.
Miscarriage is really common.
Answering someone's grief with a statistic makes them feel silly for being sad.
It was probably for the best.
Nobody wants their loss explained to them.
You can always try again.
Another baby is not this baby.
Everything happens for a reason.
There is no reason. Don't look for one.
At least it was early.
Early does not mean small.

Open this in the tool →

Lost someone to suicideGrief plus shame, blame and other people's opinions.

What to say to someone who lost someone to suicide

Do not take a position on the person who died, in either direction. Don't defend them and don't judge them. Support the living person in front of you. Say the name.

Start with
  • I'm so sorry about Matt. I'm here.
  • I heard. I'm so sorry. I loved him too.
  • I don't have words. I'm not going anywhere.
  • I'm so sorry. This isn't your fault.
Take the pressure off
  • You don't have to explain anything to me.
  • I'm here, and I'm not going to ask questions.
  • No reply needed. I'm just here.
  • You can tell me anything and I won't flinch.
Open a door
  • Tell me about him whenever you want.
  • I'd love to hear a good memory when you're ready.
  • I'm here if you want to say her name.
Offer something real
  • I'm coming by Sunday. I'll bring food and I won't stay long.
  • I can handle the calls this week if you want a buffer.
  • Let me drive you to the service.
Later on
  • Thinking of Matt today. And you.
  • I know today is hard. I'm here.
  • Still thinking of you. Still not going anywhere.
Don’t say these
That was so selfish of them.
Bereaved families hear this constantly and it is devastating. Whatever you think, do not say it.
You should have seen the signs.
This is blame, and it lands on someone already drowning in it.
Was there a note?
Curiosity about the details is not support.
How did they do it?
Never ask, and never share method details.
They're in a better place.
Especially loaded here. Leave it.
At least they're at peace now.
This can read as approval of the death.
Changing the subject.
People notice the swerve, and it is loud. Stay in the conversation.

Open this in the tool →

Lost a petReal grief that people are embarrassed to admit having.

What to say to someone whose pet died

The main thing is to treat it as a genuine loss. Most of the hurt here comes from people implying it doesn't count.

Start with
  • I'm so sorry about Bailey.
  • That's a real loss. I'm sorry.
  • He wasn't just a dog. I'm so sorry.
  • I know how much she meant to you.
Take the pressure off
  • No reply needed. Just thinking of you.
  • You're allowed to be this sad.
  • I'm here if you want to talk about him.
Open a door
  • Tell me your favourite Bailey story.
  • Send me a photo of her. I'd love to see one.
  • How long did you have him?
Offer something real
  • I'm dropping off coffee Saturday morning.
  • Want company on a walk this week?
  • I can come with you to pick up the ashes.
Later on
  • Thinking of you and Bailey today.
  • Saw a dog that looked just like him and thought of you.
Don’t say these
You can always get another one.
The most-reported hurtful line in pet grief by a wide margin.
At least it wasn't a person.
Ranking someone's grief never helps.
It was just a dog.
It was family.
He had a good long life.
That's true and it isn't the point today.
At least you don't have vet bills now.
Please don't.

Open this in the tool →

Grieving, months or years onAfter the casseroles stop and everyone else moves on.

What to say to someone who is still grieving

The most common complaint from grieving people is not a bad phrase. It is silence. People stop asking after about three weeks. Keep asking.

Start with
  • How are you today? Not in general. Just today.
  • Still thinking of you.
  • I know it's been a while. I know that doesn't mean it's over.
  • That's still so new to you.
Take the pressure off
  • No reply needed. I'm just here.
  • I'm not going to stop checking in.
  • I know people have gone quiet. I haven't.
Open a door
  • Tell me about her.
  • Want to talk, or want a distraction? Either is fine.
  • What's been the hardest part this month?
Offer something real
  • Lunch Thursday? I'll come to you.
  • I'm free Sunday for a walk if you want one.
  • I'll be at yours at 7 with takeaway. Say no if you'd rather not.
Later on
  • Thinking of you today. I know what day it is.
  • Happy birthday to your mum. I remembered.
  • One year today. I'm thinking of you both.
Don’t say these
Shouldn't you be feeling better by now?
Grief has no deadline. This makes people hide it instead.
You need to move on.
Nobody moves on. They carry it.
They wouldn't want you to be sad.
It manufactures guilt on top of grief.
At least you had time to prepare.
Expected loss is still loss.
Time heals all wounds.
It doesn't, and saying so makes people feel like they are failing.

Open this in the tool →

Illness and health

Just diagnosed with cancerThe first week, when everything is unknown.

What to say to someone who was just diagnosed with cancer

Don't tell them to stay strong or to stay positive. It hands a frightened person a performance to put on. Let them be scared.

Start with
  • I'm so sorry. That's frightening news.
  • That's a lot to take in. I'm here.
  • I don't know what to say, but I'm not going anywhere.
  • How are you doing with it today?
Take the pressure off
  • No reply needed. Just so you know I'm here.
  • You can be as scared as you are. You don't have to be brave with me.
  • I'll follow your lead on how much you want to talk about it.
Open a door
  • Do you want to talk about it, or talk about anything else?
  • Tell me as much or as little as you want.
  • What do you actually need from people right now?
Offer something real
  • I'm free to drive you to appointments. Send me the dates.
  • I'll come to the first appointment and take notes so you don't have to.
  • I'm bringing dinner Wednesday. Any food you can't stand right now?
  • I can sort the insurance calls. I'm oddly good at hold music.
Later on
  • Thinking of you today. No reply needed.
  • How was this week? Real answer welcome.
  • Still here. Still thinking of you.
Don’t say these
Stay strong. You've got this.
It tells a scared person they now have to perform bravery for you.
My aunt had that and she was fine.
Their cancer is not your aunt's cancer, and the story can terrify them.
At least it's treatable.
They are still allowed to be frightened.
Everything happens for a reason.
No.
Have you tried cutting out sugar?
Unsolicited cures suggest they caused this and can fix it.
God only gives you what you can handle.
Named repeatedly as enraging.
You'll beat this.
You cannot promise that. "I'm here whatever happens" is honest and lands better.

Open this in the tool →

In treatment or chemoMonths of it, long after everyone stopped checking in.

What to say to someone going through chemo or treatment

Treatment is long and boring and lonely. The best thing you can do is keep turning up after everyone else has drifted off.

Start with
  • How was today's round?
  • Thinking of you today. No need to reply.
  • How are you actually feeling this week?
Take the pressure off
  • I'm still here. I'll keep texting.
  • You don't have to answer. I just want you to know I'm around.
  • No pressure to be cheerful with me.
Open a door
  • Want company at the next one, or would you rather go alone?
  • Tell me the worst bit. I can take it.
  • What's actually helping right now?
Offer something real
  • I'll sit with you at treatment Thursday. I'll bring snacks and shut up.
  • I'm doing a shop Friday. What sounds edible this week?
  • I'll walk the dog every Tuesday until this is over.
  • I can pick the kids up from school this month.
Later on
  • Halfway. Thinking of you.
  • Last one this week, right? Thinking of you.
  • How's your energy this week?
Don’t say these
You look great!
Often heard as "you don't look sick, so you must be fine." Try "it's good to see you."
Stay positive.
Positivity is not a treatment, and this makes people hide how bad it is.
At least you're nearly done.
The end being near does not make today easier.
My friend did this diet instead.
Do not offer alternatives to medicine.
Let me know if you need anything.
They are exhausted. Decide something and offer it.

Open this in the tool →

Having surgeryBefore, and the awkward week after.

What to say to someone having surgery

Before surgery, keep it light and short. After, the recovery is longer and lonelier than anyone expects. That is when to show up.

Start with
  • Thinking of you tomorrow.
  • Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you.
  • Hope today goes smoothly. Text me when you're through.
  • How did it go? No rush to reply.
Take the pressure off
  • I'm around all week if you want company.
  • No need to entertain me. I'll just sit.
  • Text me at any hour if you're bored and stuck.
Open a door
  • Want visitors, or would you rather be left alone?
  • How's the recovery actually going?
Offer something real
  • I'll drop dinner off Tuesday and Thursday this week.
  • I can take you to the follow-up on the 12th.
  • I'll do a supermarket run Saturday. Send me a list.
  • Want me to come sit with you Wednesday afternoon?
Later on
  • Two weeks in. How's it going, honestly?
  • Recovery is boring. Want company this week?
Don’t say these
At least it's routine surgery.
It is not routine to the person having it.
My cousin had complications with that.
Never share the horror story.
You'll be fine.
You don't know that. "I'll be thinking of you" is honest.
Let me know if you need anything.
They are on painkillers. Decide for them.

Open this in the tool →

Living with chronic illnessNo end date, no get-well card, no finish line.

What to say to someone with a chronic illness

There is no recovery to look forward to, so drop the recovery language. Believe them the first time, especially if they look well.

Start with
  • How's your body treating you this week?
  • Thinking of you. No reply needed.
  • I believe you. That sounds exhausting.
Take the pressure off
  • Cancel on me any time. I won't take it personally.
  • I'm here on the bad days too.
  • You don't have to justify it to me.
Open a door
  • What does a good day look like for you right now?
  • What actually helps, and what makes it worse?
  • Do you want to talk about it or think about something else?
Offer something real
  • I'll come to you. Sofa, low lighting, no plans.
  • I'm shopping Thursday. What can I bring?
  • I can drive you to the specialist on the 9th.
Later on
  • How's this month been?
  • Still here. Still not bored of you.
Don’t say these
But you look fine.
The single most common complaint from people with invisible illness.
Have you tried yoga / gluten / this supplement?
They have tried more than you know. It also implies they aren't trying.
Everyone gets tired.
This is not that, and comparing erases it.
At least it's not fatal.
Not fatal is not the same as fine.
You just need to push through.
Pushing through is often what makes it worse.

Open this in the tool →

Terminal diagnosis or hospiceWhen there is no fixing it.

What to say to someone who is dying, or whose person is dying

Don't reach for hope you don't have. "I wish" is what palliative teams are trained to use: it lets you stay close without lying.

Start with
  • I wish things were different.
  • I don't want to lose you. I'm here.
  • I'm so glad I know you.
  • I'm here, and I'm not scared of this conversation.
Take the pressure off
  • I'll come as often as you want and leave whenever you say.
  • You don't have to talk. I'll just sit.
  • I'm not going anywhere.
Open a door
  • Tell me what you're thinking about.
  • Is there anything you want to say to someone?
  • What do you want the rest of this to look like?
Offer something real
  • I'll come Tuesday and Friday. Same times each week.
  • I can stay overnight so your family can sleep.
  • Let me handle the visitors and keep them short.
Later on
  • I'm still coming Tuesday.
  • Thinking of you today.
Don’t say these
You'll beat this.
False hope closes down the conversations that matter most now.
Have you tried a second opinion?
They have. This puts the work back on them.
Everything happens for a reason.
On the Psychological First Aid list of things not to say.
At least you have time to prepare.
Preparation does not soften it.
Be positive.
Let them say the true thing out loud.

Open this in the tool →

Waiting for test resultsThe specific, awful limbo before anyone knows anything.

What to say to someone waiting for test results

Waiting is its own kind of hard. Don't guess at the outcome in either direction. Just be with them in the not-knowing.

Start with
  • Waiting is horrible. I'm thinking of you.
  • How are you holding up with the waiting?
  • No news yet? I'm here.
Take the pressure off
  • I'm around whenever, including the middle of the night.
  • No reply needed. Just thinking of you today.
  • You don't have to be calm about this.
Open a door
  • Want a distraction, or want to talk it through?
  • What's your head doing today?
Offer something real
  • Want me to come with you on results day?
  • I'm free Saturday for a walk and zero medical talk.
  • I'll keep my phone on all day Thursday.
Later on
  • Thinking of you today. Whatever the news.
  • Any word? No pressure either way.
Don’t say these
I'm sure it's nothing.
You don't know, and it makes them feel silly for worrying.
Try not to think about it.
Impossible, and now they feel bad for failing at it.
My friend had the same and it was fine.
Or it wasn't. Either story is unhelpful.
Everything happens for a reason.
Not helpful before, during, or after.

Open this in the tool →

In the hospitalShort messages, because they're tired and the wifi is bad.

What to say to someone in the hospital

Keep it short. They are being woken every four hours and their phone is at 12 percent. One or two lines is plenty.

Start with
  • Thinking of you. No need to reply.
  • How's it going in there?
  • Heard you're in. I'm sorry. Anything you need?
Take the pressure off
  • I'm around. Say the word and I'll come.
  • No reply needed, I just wanted you to see my name pop up.
Open a door
  • Want visitors, or is that too much right now?
  • Want me to bring anything from home?
Offer something real
  • I'm coming Thursday at 2. I'll bring proper coffee.
  • I can feed the cat and water the plants all week.
  • I'll bring you clean clothes tomorrow. Anything specific?
Later on
  • Home yet? How's it going?
  • The week after hospital is the hard bit. How are you?
Don’t say these
You look tired.
They know.
At least you're getting a rest.
Hospital is not a holiday.
Long visits.
Twenty minutes is generous. Leave before they want you to.
Let me know if you need anything.
Bring the thing. Don't ask.

Open this in the tool →

Work and money

Lost their jobRedundancy, being fired, or a role disappearing.

What to say to someone who lost their job

Don't reframe it as an opportunity. Not on day one. Let it be bad first, because it is.

Start with
  • That's rubbish. I'm sorry.
  • That's a real blow. How are you doing?
  • I'm sorry. That wasn't fair.
  • That's a lot to absorb. I'm here.
Take the pressure off
  • No advice from me unless you want it.
  • I'm here if you want to vent about it.
  • You don't have to have a plan yet.
Open a door
  • Want to talk about it or think about literally anything else?
  • How are you actually feeling about it?
  • What would actually help right now?
Offer something real
  • I'll look over your CV this weekend if you want.
  • I'm introducing you to Sam on Monday. She's hiring.
  • Lunch Wednesday, my treat, no job talk unless you start it.
  • I'll ask around my network this week and report back Friday.
Later on
  • How's the search going? No pressure to have news.
  • Still thinking of you. Anything I can do this week?
  • Month two is the hard one. How are you?
Don’t say these
Everything happens for a reason.
It doesn't, and on day one it is infuriating.
This is just a temporary detour.
You don't know that, and it minimises real fear about money.
At least you hated that job.
They still had a salary.
Stay positive.
Job hunting is a grind. Let them be fed up.
Have you tried LinkedIn?
Yes.
When I was made redundant it turned out great.
Your ending is not their ending.

Open this in the tool →

Struggling with moneyShame makes this one almost impossible to talk about.

What to say to someone struggling with money

Money is the hardest thing to admit to. Don't ask questions about their finances. Offer something specific and easy to accept.

Start with
  • That sounds really stressful. I'm sorry.
  • Thanks for telling me. That can't have been easy.
  • I'm not judging you. Not even slightly.
Take the pressure off
  • You can talk to me about it any time. Or not.
  • This doesn't change anything between us.
Open a door
  • Do you want ideas, or do you just want to be heard?
  • What would take the most pressure off this month?
Offer something real
  • Dinner's on me Friday. No arguing.
  • I did a big shop and over-bought. Can I drop some round Tuesday?
  • I'm free Sunday to help you go through the bills.
  • I can cover the school trip. Pay me back never.
Later on
  • How's this month looking?
  • Still here. Still no judgement.
Don’t say these
Have you tried budgeting?
They have thought about money more than you have this year.
At least you have your health.
Ranking problems doesn't pay rent.
Just cut back on coffee.
Condescending, and not the reason.
I could never live like that.
Please don't.

Open this in the tool →

Career setback or rejectionMissed promotion, failed interview, rejected application.

What to say to someone who got rejected or passed over

Validate the disappointment before you say anything encouraging. Encouragement offered too early reads as "stop feeling that."

Start with
  • That's really disappointing. I'm sorry.
  • You wanted that. Of course it stings.
  • That's a gut punch. How are you doing?
Take the pressure off
  • You're allowed to be annoyed about this for a while.
  • No pep talk from me unless you ask.
Open a door
  • Do you want to pull it apart, or leave it alone?
  • What's the most annoying part?
Offer something real
  • Drinks Thursday? You can moan for an hour.
  • I'll do a mock interview with you this weekend.
  • I'll introduce you to two people this week.
Later on
  • How are you feeling about it now?
  • Any movement? No news is fine too.
Don’t say these
Everything happens for a reason.
Still no.
Their loss!
Well-meant, but it skips straight past how they feel.
At least you got an interview.
Getting close makes it worse, not better.
You'll get the next one.
You can't promise that.

Open this in the tool →

Relationships

Going through a divorceA death that everyone treats as a lifestyle change.

What to say to someone going through a divorce

Don't pick a side unless they ask you to, and don't badmouth their ex. People often reconcile, and even if they don't, they may still love them.

Start with
  • I'm sorry. That's a lot.
  • However you're feeling about it is fine.
  • This is a real loss. I'm sorry.
  • I'm not going to ask what happened.
Take the pressure off
  • I'm on your side, whatever that looks like.
  • You don't have to explain it to me.
  • I'm here for the whole messy thing, not just the start.
Open a door
  • Do you want to talk about it or forget it for an evening?
  • How are you actually doing this week?
  • What do you need from your friends right now?
Offer something real
  • I'm free Saturday to help you move boxes.
  • Dinner Wednesday. I'll cook, you sit.
  • I can take the kids Sunday so you get a few hours.
  • I'll come to the solicitor with you if you want company.
Later on
  • How's this week been?
  • First Christmas is rough. I'm around.
  • Thinking of you. No reply needed.
Don’t say these
I never liked them anyway.
They may reconcile. And they may still love them.
At least you didn't have kids.
Or, if they did, "at least you have the kids." Both minimise.
You're better off.
Maybe eventually. Not today.
Everything happens for a reason.
Retire this phrase entirely.
What went wrong?
That's for them to offer, not for you to ask.

Open this in the tool →

Going through a breakupIncluding the ones other people think were 'not that serious'.

What to say to someone going through a breakup

Don't rank the relationship. Two months or ten years, the feeling is the feeling.

Start with
  • I'm sorry. That hurts.
  • Breakups are horrible. How are you doing?
  • That's rough. I'm here.
Take the pressure off
  • You can say the same thing to me forty times. I don't mind.
  • No advice unless you want it.
  • I'm here for the 2am version too.
Open a door
  • Want to talk about it or want a distraction?
  • What's the hardest bit right now?
Offer something real
  • Come over Friday. I'll cook and we'll watch nonsense.
  • I'm free Sunday for a long walk.
  • I'll come help you get your stuff back.
Later on
  • How are you doing this week?
  • Still here. Still happy to hear it all again.
Don’t say these
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
They wanted that one.
At least it was only a few months.
Time does not equal depth.
I never liked them.
Unhelpful, and awkward if they get back together.
You'll find someone better.
Not a comfort today.

Open this in the tool →

Struggling to conceiveYears of it, usually in private.

What to say to someone struggling with infertility

Never give advice. Never ask whose fault it is. Never mention adoption unless they do.

Start with
  • I'm sorry. That's such a hard thing to carry.
  • Thanks for telling me. I know that's private.
  • I'm here, and I won't bring it up unless you do.
Take the pressure off
  • You can tell me the honest version.
  • I'll follow your lead on this entirely.
  • No advice from me. Promise.
Open a door
  • Do you want to talk about it or leave it today?
  • What would actually help?
Offer something real
  • I'll drive you to the appointment on the 6th.
  • Dinner Thursday? No baby talk, I promise.
  • Tell me which events you'd rather skip and I'll make your excuses.
Later on
  • Thinking of you this week.
  • Mother's Day is coming. Thinking of you.
Don’t say these
Just relax and it'll happen.
It tells them they caused this by being stressed, which is a horrible thing to hand someone.
Have you tried...
They have tried everything, and researched more than you have.
At least you can always adopt.
Adoption is not a consolation prize.
My friend got pregnant the month she stopped trying.
This story helps nobody.
When are you two having kids?
You never know what you are walking into.

Open this in the tool →

Mental health

Depressed or strugglingWhen they've gone quiet and you don't want to make it worse.

What to say to someone who is depressed

You are not there to fix it. You are there so they are less alone in it. Ask directly and specifically, and keep asking after they don't reply.

Start with
  • How are you doing? Real answer, if you want to give one.
  • I've noticed you've been quiet. No pressure, just checking.
  • That sounds really heavy. I'm sorry.
  • You don't have to be okay with me.
Take the pressure off
  • No reply needed. I'll text again in a few days.
  • I'm not going anywhere, even if you go quiet.
  • I don't need you to be good company.
Open a door
  • Do you want to talk about it, or want company doing nothing?
  • What does today look like for you?
  • Is there anything that has helped before?
Offer something real
  • I'm coming over Sunday at 4. You don't have to tidy or talk.
  • I'll walk with you Wednesday morning if you're up for it.
  • I'm bringing food Tuesday. I'll leave it if you don't want to see anyone.
  • Want me to sit with you while you make the doctor's appointment?
Later on
  • Still here. No reply needed.
  • Checking in again. How's this week?
  • Thinking of you today.
Don’t say these
Have you tried going for a walk?
They know about walks. It suggests they haven't tried.
Others have it worse.
Shame doesn't lift depression.
Just think positive.
Research shows forced positive statements make people with low self-worth feel worse, not better.
You have so much to be grateful for.
Now they feel guilty as well as depressed.
Snap out of it.
If they could, they would have.
Let me know if you need anything.
Reaching out is the hardest thing for them. Reach first.

Open this in the tool →

Anxious or overwhelmedDrowning in it, not in crisis.

What to say to someone who is anxious or overwhelmed

Don't argue with the fear. Telling someone their worry is unfounded makes them feel unseen. Name it first, then help with one small thing.

Start with
  • That sounds like a lot to be holding.
  • No wonder you're overwhelmed.
  • That makes sense. I'd be stressed too.
Take the pressure off
  • You don't have to justify feeling this way.
  • I'm here. Nothing needed from you.
Open a door
  • What's the biggest thing on the pile?
  • Do you want help thinking it through, or just to say it out loud?
Offer something real
  • Let's do one thing off the list together Thursday.
  • I'll take the school run this week.
  • I'm free Saturday to help you get on top of the house.
Later on
  • How's the week going?
  • Any lighter this week?
Don’t say these
Just calm down.
Nobody in history has ever calmed down because they were told to.
There's nothing to worry about.
This tells them their feeling is wrong.
At least it's not...
Comparing never shrinks anxiety.
Have you tried meditating?
Maybe later. Not now.

Open this in the tool →

Caring for someoneThe person everybody forgets to ask about.

What to say to someone caring for a sick or dying relative

Everyone asks the carer how the patient is. Almost nobody asks the carer how the carer is. Be the one who does.

Start with
  • How are you? Not them. You.
  • That's a huge amount to carry.
  • You're allowed to find this hard.
Take the pressure off
  • You can say the ugly parts to me.
  • I'm checking on you, not on them.
  • You don't have to be endlessly patient with me.
Open a door
  • What's the hardest part right now?
  • When did you last get a break?
Offer something real
  • I'll sit with your mum Saturday from 10 to 2. Go do nothing.
  • I'm bringing dinner Monday so you don't have to think about it.
  • I'll take the night shift Friday so you can sleep.
  • I'll pick up the prescriptions this week.
Later on
  • How are you doing this week? You, specifically.
  • Still checking on you.
Don’t say these
You're a saint.
It makes it harder to admit they are exhausted and resentful.
I don't know how you do it.
It puts them in charge of reassuring you.
At least you get this time with them.
Both things are true. Only one is being said.
Let me know if you need a break.
They will never ask. Book it and turn up.

Open this in the tool →

Everyday hard things

Exams or school stressEncouragement that doesn't add pressure.

What to say to a child or student before a big test

Praise effort and preparation, not results and not intelligence. Take the outcome off the table so they can breathe.

Start with
  • You've worked hard for this. That part is already done.
  • Whatever happens tomorrow, I'm proud of how you prepared.
  • You know more than you think you do.
Take the pressure off
  • This test doesn't decide anything about you.
  • I'll love you exactly the same either way.
  • You can text me straight after. I'll be waiting.
Open a door
  • Want to talk it through or leave it alone tonight?
  • What bit are you most worried about?
Offer something real
  • I'll drive you tomorrow so you don't have to rush.
  • I'll make your favourite dinner tomorrow, pass or fail.
  • Want me to test you Thursday evening?
Later on
  • How did it go? No wrong answer.
  • It's done now. Proud of you.
Don’t say these
Just do your best!
Vague, and it still sounds like a target.
You'd better pass this one.
Pressure does not improve recall.
Your sister found this easy.
Never compare.
Don't be nervous.
Nerves are normal. Naming them helps more than banning them.

Open this in the tool →

Moving or starting overExciting and lonely at the same time.

What to say to someone moving away or starting over

People assume a new start is purely good news, so nobody asks about the hard half. Ask about both.

Start with
  • Big change. How are you feeling about it, really?
  • Excited and terrified at the same time?
  • I'm going to miss you. I'm also glad for you.
Take the pressure off
  • Distance doesn't change anything for me.
  • I'll still text you rubbish every day.
Open a door
  • What's the part you're least looking forward to?
  • How's it actually going out there?
Offer something real
  • I'm coming to help you pack on the 14th.
  • Same time every Sunday, let's call.
  • I'm booking a visit for spring. Pick a weekend.
Later on
  • Three weeks in. How's it going?
  • The lonely bit is normal. How are you doing?
Don’t say these
You'll make new friends in no time.
Maybe, but it's lonely right now.
At least you get a fresh start.
Fresh starts are also grief.
Don't forget about us!
Adds guilt to an already hard week.

Open this in the tool →

Just having a hard timeWhen you don't know the details and don't want to pry.

What to say to a friend going through a hard time

You don't need to know what happened to be useful. Say you noticed, say you're around, and offer one specific thing.

Start with
  • You've been on my mind. How are you?
  • I don't know what's going on, but I'm here.
  • That sounds really hard. I'm sorry.
  • I noticed things seem heavy. No pressure to explain.
Take the pressure off
  • No reply needed.
  • I'm around this week, day or night.
  • You don't have to tell me anything.
Open a door
  • Want to talk, or want a distraction?
  • What would actually help this week?
Offer something real
  • Coffee Thursday? I'll come to you.
  • I'm free Sunday if you want company.
  • I'll bring dinner Tuesday. Just say yes or no.
Later on
  • Checking in again. How's this week?
  • Still thinking of you.
Don’t say these
Everything happens for a reason.
The most complained-about sentence in this entire subject.
At least...
Anything after "at least" makes someone's problem smaller than it is.
Let me know if you need anything.
It sounds generous and it puts the work on them.
Stay positive.
It tells them their real feeling is unwelcome.
It could be worse.
It could. That helps nobody.

Open this in the tool →

What the research actually says

Most advice in this area is vibes. Here is what is genuinely supported, and where it stops.

Avoiding harm matters more than finding the perfect words

In a controlled experiment, people given invalidating responses showed higher negative emotion, higher heart rate and were far more likely to refuse to continue a task. People given validating responses did no better than people given a neutral response. The practical read: you do not need a beautiful sentence. You need to not use the harmful one.

Cheering someone up can backfire on the people most likely to need it

Research on positive self-statements found that upbeat reframing made people with low self-esteem feel worse, not better, because it prompted them to argue with it internally. Later work found the same when the encouragement came from someone else. So: validate the feeling first. If someone sounds low, do not reframe at all.

What professionals are trained to say is plainer than you would guess

Palliative care teams are taught to name the feeling slightly below the intensity they see (“it sounds like you are frustrated”), to say “tell me more about that,” and to use “I wish” when there is no good news to give: “I wish things were different.” None of it is clever. All of it is short.

The words people remember are short and specific

Ask people what helped and they do not quote anything eloquent. They quote “that’s still so new to you,” “I’m sorry for your massive loss,” “tell me about her,” and “I got you.” Length and polish correlate with the failures, not the successes.

Polished messages now read as machine-written

When people were told a sympathetic message came from AI rather than a person, authenticity ratings dropped sharply, and the drop was harshest for the most serious situations. The tells people name are flowery phrasing, unusually perfect grammar and em dashes. Everything here is deliberately plain and short so it sounds like you.

What this page does not claim. No sentence here is proven to make anyone feel better. The evidence for helpful phrasing is modest, and it does not work the same way for everyone. The evidence that minimising someone’s feelings makes things worse is much stronger, which is why half of this page is a list of things not to say. This is a writing aid. It is not therapy, it is not counselling, and it is not a substitute for either.

If someone is in danger, use these instead

This tool is for supporting someone through a hard time. It is not for a crisis. If you or the person you are helping is thinking about suicide or self-harm, please use one of these instead. They are free, confidential and open every hour of the day.

Questions people ask

What do you say to someone who is going through a hard time?

Say that you noticed, say you are not going anywhere, and offer one specific thing with a day attached. Short and plain beats poetic. “I’m so sorry. I’m here. I’m bringing dinner Tuesday at 6” does more than a long, beautifully worded message.

What should you never say to someone who is grieving?

Avoid anything starting with “at least,” and avoid “everything happens for a reason,” “they’re in a better place,” “stay strong,” “I know how you feel,” “they wouldn’t want you to be sad,” and “let me know if you need anything.” Each one either shrinks the loss, sets a deadline on it, or puts the work back on the person who is already struggling.

Why is “let me know if you need anything” a bad thing to say?

Because it moves the effort onto the person in crisis. They have to work out what they need, decide it is worth bothering you, and then ask. Most never do. Decide something yourself, make it specific, and attach a day and a time to it.

Is it better to say something imperfect or say nothing at all?

Say something. The most common complaint from grieving people is not that someone used the wrong words. It is that everyone went quiet after about three weeks. “I don’t know what to say, but I’m thinking of you” is a complete and good message.

What do you write in a sympathy card?

Three or four lines is plenty. Name the person who died, say one specific thing you remember about them, and say you are thinking of the family. One real memory is worth more than any amount of general sympathy, and it is the thing people keep.

How do you support someone without being intrusive?

Send messages that need no reply, and say so. “No need to write back” removes the obligation. Keep sending them even when you get nothing back, because silence usually means exhaustion, not that you are unwelcome.

What do you say when you do not know what happened?

You do not need the details to be useful. “You’ve been on my mind. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m here” works, and it does not force them to explain anything.

Should I keep checking in if they never reply?

Yes. People who have been through it consistently say the messages kept arriving were what mattered, even when they had no energy to answer any of them. A lack of reply is not a no.

Is this tool AI-generated?

No. Every line was written by hand and checked against guidance from palliative care, crisis response and psychology research. That matters here: studies find that when people learn a sympathetic message was written by AI, they rate it far less authentic, and they are getting quicker at spotting it.

Is it okay to mention faith or prayer?

Only if you know they share it. Faith lines are switched off by default here for that reason. If you are not sure, “thinking of you” carries the same warmth without assuming anything.

Where this comes from

Every line on this page was written by hand, not generated. The guidance behind them is drawn from published work in supportive communication and from what clinicians are actually trained to say, plus a large amount of reading of what bereaved and seriously ill people say helped them and what did not.

The organisations and researchers listed above are cited as published sources only. None of them is affiliated with Live Life Happy, and none has reviewed, approved or endorsed this page or anything on it.

Written in plain language on purpose: short sentences and everyday words. About one in four US adults scores at the lowest level of adult literacy, and that share rose between 2017 and 2023. Anyone reading this is probably also having a bad week, which is not when people read carefully.

Related

Make a quote image Encouraging quotes Quotes people get wrong All free tools
Share on Facebook Share on X Pin it WhatsApp